*waits for you to gasp*
Yes, it’s true. I HATE HALLOWEEN. Why, you might ask?
Halloween is a GROSS “holiday.” Last year, my students asked me to pick a couple of decorations for our building’s Halloween party. I went to Party City and all over the walls, there were bags of fake blood, fake vomit, bloody knives, eye balls, skeletons, brains, and other assorted gory items, all while a skeleton with red eyes and a leering smile hung directly behind me on a center aisle display.
Similar to my opinion on mall and Walmart Santa Clauses, I don’t think it’s a good choice to let your kids hang around with strangers whose faces and defining features you cannot easily discern. That’s basically all of Halloween. Who is that person in the Darth Vader costume? YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU MAY NEVER KNOW. Now let them give your children candy.
It’s Dark, Cold and Disruptive
Sure, I love trails of people coming to my door in the dark, while I have to open my door to the cold wind blasting into my previously warm home, interrupting my nightly activities on a week night.
Okay, I get it. A baby dressed as a pumpkin? FREAKIN ADORABLE. My nephew dressed as a Ninja Turtle or Batman or whatever? BASICALLY KILLS ME WITH THE CUTE. But the littlest kids are the cutest ones and they come before it gets too dark. Then you get the elementary schoolers who are still pretty cute, but with the grabby hands. Then you might get some middle schoolers out for a last hurrah, and their costumes are more inventive so that’s okay too. It gets progressively LESS cute as all the high schoolers or college kids still participating in an activity they’re far too old for knock on your door in the now very dark, very cold night, but you know if you don’t give them candy they’ll egg your house and/or car.
Halloween is a time when people will sneak up on you, try to scare you with fake gore, and just in general blur the lines of socially acceptable behavior. When people already inclined to annoying “pranks” like Halloween? You better get your “I will cut you” face ready so they’re too afraid to prank you. Like April Fool’s day, it annoys me. Unless you are related to me or one of my very close friends, Imma need you to
Stay home. DO NOT GO OUT THERE. Seriously. You will regret it. Make some popcorn, watch a happy movie, and wear your pajamas because it’s time to SETTLE IN FOR THE NIGHT.
If you live in a neighborhood, lights out, cars in the garage, pull the curtains. YOU ARE NOT HOME. Most of the kids will stay away. If they ring the doorbell anyway, DO NOT turn on the sprinklers unless you want to get egged.
If you have kids – well buddy, you are doomed. You’re gonna have to go out there to protect your kids from creepers, unless your kids also hate Halloween and free candy. Which is unlikely.
Which brings us to the only good part of the “holiday”: discounted candy. You better get thee to your local grocery store the morning on November 1st because all the good candy is probably already gone. If you wait until after work, all you’ve got to choose from are bags of Halloween themed pencils and the gross candy that nobody bought.